Nobody Wants to Remember This

Apparently, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is pretty good at unlocking memories for me. The first several times I went through that with my therapist, I wasn’t able to actually finish processing anything. My unfiltered thoughts are not exactly my favorite thing, and I would leave exhausted. But it’s pretty cool the way it got my brain working.

At some point after coming home, I would spend some time alone with my thoughts and my journal. And my mind would just open up. Buried feelings would come to the surface. Pieces of memories I had forgotten. Digging out the dirt in an effort to clean it all out. Both the good and the bad, my head trying to fit everything together. It was equally very frustrating, and very helpful.

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The Trauma of it All

It is a long and rocky road that me and my family are on right now. We’ve had some ups, and a whole lot of downs. So much has been discovered, and we have many changes to make. This refining season is challenging. It is wearing on us and we are exhausted. Yet, we also have so much hope. We know this process will move us toward wholeness. A life even better than we could have imagined. And it will all be worth it.

Not too long ago, we learned that the depression I’ve been experiencing is only a symptom of a deeper problem. Turns out, I have complex PTSD. No, I haven’t been in the military. I didn’t have a horrific upbringing. It didn’t happen because of a single terrifying event. It was caused mostly by what’s known as developmental trauma. That can encompass a lot of things, but generally it’s about relational practices in childhood that cause all sorts of problems. And a majority of people today suffer from it at some level. Continue reading