My Psych Hospital Experience

I have tried to write this so many times. I get deterred by the hurt, fear, and anger it brings up. I can’t think straight. The words just don’t seem to come. But I believe this is an important story to share. Continue reading

The Trauma of it All

It is a long and rocky road that me and my family are on right now. We’ve had some ups, and a whole lot of downs. So much has been discovered, and we have many changes to make. This refining season is challenging. It is wearing on us and we are exhausted. Yet, we also have so much hope. We know this process will move us toward wholeness. A life even better than we could have imagined. And it will all be worth it.

Not too long ago, we learned that the depression I’ve been experiencing is only a symptom of a deeper problem. Turns out, I have complex PTSD. No, I haven’t been in the military. I didn’t have a horrific upbringing. It didn’t happen because of a single terrifying event. It was caused mostly by what’s known as developmental trauma. That can encompass a lot of things, but generally it’s about relational practices in childhood that cause all sorts of problems. And a majority of people today suffer from it at some level. Continue reading

Life is Messy

I never thought we would be here. This trial, this valley, this darkness… Whatever you want to call it.

I don’t know about you, but when I think of what I want my future to look like, I certainly don’t picture pain, frustration, or grief. I picture laughter and peace. I picture endless energy and an abundance of patience. I picture everything just working like it “should” and everyone loving life. And maybe some of these things are good aspirations. It is admirable to strive for something better. Yet, sooner or later, I have to accept that life is really a whole lot more complicated than that.

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Recently in counseling, my therapist asked if I thought I was a Highly Sensitive Person. I said, “No” right away. ‘Of course not,’ I thought. I’m hyper logical, not very emotional at all. I rarely cry, I struggle to empathize. I’m not easily offended, tend to be pretty stable.

So I asked, “Do you think I am?” He said he did, and wanted to ask me some questions to find out. I pridefully thought, ‘he just doesn’t really know me well enough yet,’ that this test would come up negative. I’m the most un-sensitive person I know! But I played along anyways.

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There is, Surprisingly, Always Hope

My husband, Zach, and I started going to counseling together several months ago because of my postpartum depression and the rough season we’re going through. We had a certain number of sessions paid for by his work, and at first it was helpful, but it seemed like, due to the limited number of visits, the therapist, though really great, didn’t want to dig into anything without being able to see it through. At the time, it was fine because I was doing better anyways. I actually came out of the depression for about 2 or 3 weeks and it was wonderful!

For the first time in a long time, I felt normal. I could function and get things done and generally just do life and enjoy it. But I was still out of practice and it was challenging to jump back into all the things I hadn’t been doing for a while.

My husband had to go back to being in the office after working from home for months, and we quickly realized that it was happening all too fast for me. At first, I felt empowered with my new found normalness, and it was pretty nice to take care of things by myself while he was at work all day. Unfortunately, that just wasn’t sustainable for long.

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