Does the Weeping Ever End?

Here one moment, gone the next.
Nothing could prepare, no making sense of this.
A future cut short. Too close. Too soon.
Does the weeping ever end?

All that’s left are memories. Impressions.
An essence of being, merely a reflection.
As if the moon could truly capture the brilliant rays of the sun.
Does the weeping ever end?

All of us still here, as you move on, beyond our grasp.
Wondering who we are, where we go, without you here.
New beginnings we never wanted.
Does the weeping ever end?

The future hope, our only consolation.
The thoughts that bring us comfort, all we have to hold onto.
To picture you, in the arms of your Father.
Does the weeping ever end?

This human life, but a fleeting thing.
We embrace it all. The love. The pain.
Heartache. Heartbreak. Joy and fear. Laughter and tears.
Does the weeping ever end?

No. The weeping never ends.
It just evolves, as we keep moving forward.
Life kept alive by the spark of memory.
By the imprint left upon our hearts.
We carry with us, a piece of this precious soul.
Together, we share in this grief and healing.
But life. Life will never be the same.

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– For my mother-in-law, who was lost to us this week.

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One More Step

Sometimes I feel trapped, between where I was and where I’m going. The pull of who I want to be, wild and free. The security of who I’ve always been, quiet and invisible. Tearing me back and forth. Ripping at my core. I don’t want to go back. But it’s all I know. All that is familiar. The way I I’ve learned to live.

Uncertainty. Vulnerability. These don’t sit well with me. Pioneering brings no safety. Everything is new. Every step a risk. Where will this next one take me? What will be the cost? New healing can be found at times. And others still great pain. I never know which one I’ll get, with every leap of faith. Is it worth it? I like to think so. At least that’s what I hope. That this journey will lead to a better place. A better life. A better me.

Yet in the darkest moments of the greatest battles… I wonder. Is the price too high? Is the illusive reward of wholeness too good to possibly be attainable? I have no idea how much further I need to go still. But I know how far I’ve come. To turn back now would be a loss. The loss of everything I’ve yet to see. To feel. To know. To believe. No, I can’t return to where I’ve been. After all, I left there for a reason. There is no life to be found there. It was always an illusion.

And so with great trepidation, I must keep pressing on. One beat of my heart after another. Courageously. Anxiously. Each new breath taken in unknown territory. With only the strength of my hope to carry me forward. The joy before me I see more and more glimpses of. It certainly isn’t easy. At times it’s unbearable. But I’ll keep going anyways. At least for one more step.

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You.

There are times in this life when you feel trapped.
Helpless. Hopeless.

Stuck in the everyday. So much you can’t control.
Wondering. Worrying.

And then you breathe. Take it in.
Let it permeate your being. Feel the life flowing within your body.
Powerful. Prevalent.

And release. Let it out.
The force of the air as it leaves your lungs. Pushing you onward.
Strength. Security.

Then suddenly you see. As never before.
All the times you believed you wouldn’t make it.
So many things you thought you couldn’t do.
Overwhelmed. Overpowered.

And yet you survived. You live. You grow.
You continue moving, if only in time.
Holding on, even when it feels like there is nothing left to hold.
Resilient. Reborn.

Again and again. Accomplishing the impossible.
Damn. Look at you! You are incredible.
Beautiful. Breathtaking.

The human spirit. Never truly broken.
You continually learn, through successes and failures.
Testing. Trying.

Feel your heart beat within your chest. You are still here.
Alive. Awake.

This thing called life? You’ve totally got this.
Forward. Free.

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Lost and Found

My faith was derailed when I discovered that the Bible isn’t as black and white as I once believed. Now, before all the conservatives start to think I’ve lost my way, let me tell you a story.

When I was a kid, I came across Genesis 6:3, which in today’s NIV translation says:

Then the Lord said, “My Spirit will not contend with humans forever, for they are mortal; their days will be a hundred and twenty years.”

So as an overly logical young person, I took this to mean exactly what it sounded like to me. People cannot live to be over 120 years old. Sweet. I figured something out. Now I know basically everything.

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