Nobody Wants to Remember This

Apparently, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is pretty good at unlocking memories for me. The first several times I went through that with my therapist, I wasn’t able to actually finish processing anything. My unfiltered thoughts are not exactly my favorite thing, and I would leave exhausted. But it’s pretty cool the way it got my brain working.

At some point after coming home, I would spend some time alone with my thoughts and my journal. And my mind would just open up. Buried feelings would come to the surface. Pieces of memories I had forgotten. Digging out the dirt in an effort to clean it all out. Both the good and the bad, my head trying to fit everything together. It was equally very frustrating, and very helpful.

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The Trauma of it All

It is a long and rocky road that me and my family are on right now. We’ve had some ups, and a whole lot of downs. So much has been discovered, and we have many changes to make. This refining season is challenging. It is wearing on us and we are exhausted. Yet, we also have so much hope. We know this process will move us toward wholeness. A life even better than we could have imagined. And it will all be worth it.

Not too long ago, we learned that the depression I’ve been experiencing is only a symptom of a deeper problem. Turns out, I have complex PTSD. No, I haven’t been in the military. I didn’t have a horrific upbringing. It didn’t happen because of a single terrifying event. It was caused mostly by what’s known as developmental trauma. That can encompass a lot of things, but generally it’s about relational practices in childhood that cause all sorts of problems. And a majority of people today suffer from it at some level. Continue reading

Life is Messy

I never thought we would be here. This trial, this valley, this darkness… Whatever you want to call it.

I don’t know about you, but when I think of what I want my future to look like, I certainly don’t picture pain, frustration, or grief. I picture laughter and peace. I picture endless energy and an abundance of patience. I picture everything just working like it “should” and everyone loving life. And maybe some of these things are good aspirations. It is admirable to strive for something better. Yet, sooner or later, I have to accept that life is really a whole lot more complicated than that.

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Recently in counseling, my therapist asked if I thought I was a Highly Sensitive Person. I said, “No” right away. ‘Of course not,’ I thought. I’m hyper logical, not very emotional at all. I rarely cry, I struggle to empathize. I’m not easily offended, tend to be pretty stable.

So I asked, “Do you think I am?” He said he did, and wanted to ask me some questions to find out. I pridefully thought, ‘he just doesn’t really know me well enough yet,’ that this test would come up negative. I’m the most un-sensitive person I know! But I played along anyways.

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