A Miscarriage

A positive pregnancy test opens a floodgate of possibilities. A spark of life. An entirely new future dreamed up in an instant. Plans composed as that tiny being forms. Thoughts of names, birth dates, and changing family dynamics effortlessly flowing through the mind. Free to imagine, riding waves of excitement and wonder. Peace. Joy. Happy.

Then suddenly one day, something isn’t right. This isn’t supposed to happen. Is it normal? Could it be nothing? Not wanting to let go of hope, but terrified of what this might mean. Gut-wrenching fear. Unable to breathe. I can’t lose this baby…

The wait is agonizing. Nothing to be done. Time will tell. Sitting, hurting, distracting, and waiting. Emotional chaos leaving no room for living. The mind tugging in a million different directions. I want to believe everything will be ok, but this doesn’t look good. One part not wanting to worry. One part already grieving. A tangled mess of horrifying potential outcomes and miraculous ambitions. It’s more than any one person can bear.

And in an instant, the confirmation. Negative. No longer pregnant. Everything goes numb. Unable to cope with the pain of this moment. A future cut short, when it had only just begun. Where do I go? What do I do? The mind struggling to make sense of the circumstances. I never wanted this to be my story.

Tears come in waves. Profound sadness set off by a thought. A memory. A reminder. A dream. I’m so sorry, little one. I wish we’d had more time. How will I go on without you? A question no one truly wants answered. And then the what ifs of what is to come. Will it happen again? Will I ever have another? The unknown worries added to an ever growing wreck of emotions.

But healing also comes in waves. In ways big and small, peace is restored. Hope returns. Joy is found once again. New purpose is found in keeping that spark alive. Such a short life that tiny soul had. Yet such a powerful impact is made. My child, you’ve changed me. Your influence so strong. I will never forget you. And I will never be the same.

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