Sometimes I feel trapped, between where I was and where I’m going. The pull of who I want to be, wild and free. The security of who I’ve always been, quiet and invisible. Tearing me back and forth. Ripping at my core. I don’t want to go back. But it’s all I know. All that is familiar. The way I I’ve learned to live.
Uncertainty. Vulnerability. These don’t sit well with me. Pioneering brings no safety. Everything is new. Every step a risk. Where will this next one take me? What will be the cost? New healing can be found at times. And others still great pain. I never know which one I’ll get, with every leap of faith. Is it worth it? I like to think so. At least that’s what I hope. That this journey will lead to a better place. A better life. A better me.
Yet in the darkest moments of the greatest battles… I wonder. Is the price too high? Is the illusive reward of wholeness too good to possibly be attainable? I have no idea how much further I need to go still. But I know how far I’ve come. To turn back now would be a loss. The loss of everything I’ve yet to see. To feel. To know. To believe. No, I can’t return to where I’ve been. After all, I left there for a reason. There is no life to be found there. It was always an illusion.
And so with great trepidation, I must keep pressing on. One beat of my heart after another. Courageously. Anxiously. Each new breath taken in unknown territory. With only the strength of my hope to carry me forward. The joy before me I see more and more glimpses of. It certainly isn’t easy. At times it’s unbearable. But I’ll keep going anyways. At least for one more step.